A Honeybee Sting.

While i'm waiting my room getting cleaned..I had this conversation, along with other short memories, that kept bothering me..and throb me, bit by bit..

As you know, and if you dont..im about to tell you..that i never really get along so well with my mom..and we're never agree in every aspects, we dont have the same concepts..and im constantly rebelling against her..Unlike my dad, we're have something in common..and he's not much of a talker as my mom..

And starting around 6 years ago, i dont know exactly when..there's a huge changement, that i dont even realize it..somehow, i just woke up one day, and everything is already changed..and become what i have going through nowadays..

My mom, used to be..very caring, forbearing, uncomplaining, and always, defensed us and stood for us, every time we're being punished..

And my dad, nobody..NOBODY..have enough guts to fight him back..not even enough to say 'no'..he's a very sturdy, hard, yet loving man..

Now, they're changed into its opposite..they're become very different, than what they used to be..Im not blaming my mom, for having a hard childhood or anything..i'm not blaming my dad either for being so persistent back then..

But, after all the fights i've heard and watch, and they had, and still have..i just can't bear to watch my dad refraining, and giving in..maybe its because i'm not used to watch him surrender and conceding..

I've watch my dad, works extra, extra, extremely hard..and being treated very unfair..he do whatever it takes, whatever he can do..to make us happy and have what we want, even when it's not important..

He works too hard, i can even see a clear black circle around his 'only and one' eye..i can see how fast he's falling asleep when he JUST laying down..

He's the only person who made me, made all of us..able to reached and accomplished what we have now..he fights himself and alone..through everything to accomplish what we have now...He made us the way we are today..He sent me to school, junior hi, senior hi, and ESMOD..ESMOD is not easy and simple..it costs him a lot..A LOT..it's really, really a lot..and now..La Salle..

Not only me, but my other two sisters as well..and also, there are also many people, whether he know or not..

He's my role model..He's the only reason to what i'm doing now and what i'm going to do..He made my dream bigger..He's the reason to what i want to accomplished in my life..

Note this; I will, i have, and i want to be able to pay him back, for whatever he have done and still do for me and my family, and other people as well, not through money, but by giving him happy and easeful time..i'm not promise to give the best, just happy and easeful..

Even a couple years ago, he started to planned and organized some stuff for us, so when he's gone, we're still able to have a proper life..

And there's also some case, when he said stuff like this; "udah, kamu cepetan kuliah, lulus, trus kerja..jadi daddy bisa cepet-cepet mati.." and "mumpung daddy masih hidup.." or "mumpung daddy masih bisa support kamu semua.."

Did he know, that it breaks my heart into a pieces..?Did he know, that it ruins my heart and my life..?Did he know, that i'm not ready and i can't stand to lose him..?Did he know, that i didn't know what am i supposed to do when he's gone..?i still need him, and i'll always need him..

You really are the best dad in the universe..!!

C.

Off-Limit.

So, i've had enough today..suddenly, don't even know why..i've just had enough..So, i wrote two email, by the time i got home..

One for starbucks company..If there's any of you visit starbucks' la piazza often enough, you'll notice they're facing a problem with their Air Conditioner..sound like a simple thing, right? But, did you still feeling that way, if the weather is extremely burning outside, and a searing heat..??Because i don't..And its been like that for a several times already..twice when i was there, and i have to endure with it..So, i wrote them a "dissatisfaction" email, and theoretically being very offensive and insulting..

Because, we all can see, very crystally (is that a word?), PT. MAP is not a small company, in fact, they're extremely huge, right..??!!!!!And i have to compare it, is it really that hard to buy a new Air Conditioner with, how much profit did they earn for a day..??It's obviously nothing compare to, i dont know, 30-50 millions..?

Did you know how uncomfortable it is, when their AC is broken..?!!It's just another form, the simplest way to appreciate their employee, and most importantly, THEIR customers..!!its not the baristas'..Did they ever think, or at least crossed in their mind, what if all the employee, were resigning..?!

I know there's a lot of people who willing to replace or to be in their position..but how many of them is reliable, loyal, and at least, honest..?Did they really ever consider about it?I mean, one of the barista's told me, they NEVER, they didnt bother to pay just 5 minutes visit, to their own store..!!Wasn't that pitiful..?I spent more, more, more times in there than them..

And, i was kinda surprise, this guy, Anthony Cottan, response my email, extremely quick..LOL..He said, he's gonna take it for his own, and get things fixed..tomorrow or as soon as they can..if have to buy a new Air-Con..yea..'as soon as they can'...how long could that be..??maybe, NEVER..?!!well, we'll see..i hope it just not a 'decent' response to a customers..

And the second one, for Summarecon Kelapa Gading..for those who lived around here..i dont know if they noticed it or not..but I do..They're going to build a new office building across the jogging park..

WTH!!I dont think Summarecon's owner live in here..so i'm practically said, that i dont need any kind or form of a new building anymore..i need more trees, and shady place..and i boldly told them that Kelapa Gading is no longer a convenience place to live..how many of us, have to spend sometimes 30 minutes, and sometimes even more, to just get out from Kelapa Gading, or just to get into the bypass..

And did you know, there's literally a traffic fuckin' jam, at the crossroad behind MKG5 and mosque..?technically, its still a residential complex..and there's a traffic jam..??!!!!!how can you live with that..?!!

I still didnt know how they'll react and responde to my email..maybe they didnt 'heard' me..but at least i know, that i tried..and i'll keep trying..!!

I'm getting more agressive in this..i dont care..im really fed up with people..!!Fuck them, Screw them..!!

C.

Respectable Driver.

It's been..a week..maybe..since the last time i was attending my french class..And today, i skipped my french class as well..i'm about to face the mid term test next week..and i got like, bunch and bunch of chapter to memorize along with the effin' new terms, lexicon, you named it..

And frankly, it stressed me out..!!I'm fucked up..!!I'm fed up..!!And yes, i cant even think about my french class any longer..it just..i need to, at least, memorized some of them..i have to pass every subject in one attempt..i dont need and i dont want, any kind or any form of fiasco right this very moment..just for the next two years..no..two and a half..

Okay, enough with the grumbling and whining..This post is supposed to tell you about the cab driver i met today..LOL..

So, i skipped my french class, and go home straightaway..i already mention it..one thing i should regret, i dont even bother to read his name..very unusual me..This guy, maybe around late 30..probably already have a family..he's speaks with a very thick javanese accent..and he's kind as well..

He talks a lot..and i dont get annoyed by that..and he's constantly apologizing for choosing a bad direction..and sometimes he shows a repentant feeling about it..and of course i tried to said that i was fine and cool with it..a couple times actually..

He's quite honest person..the first time i got on his cab, he's technically asked me about CiWalk, and how expensive stuff in there..and he told me about his story and a woman, an employee i guess..He asked this woman about the coffee that she brought..He's wondering about the price and if he can buy it with Rp 10.000,-...and the woman answer him arrogantly.."Ya nggak lah mas..ini secangkir harganya Rp 45.000,-.."

WTF! And he says to me.."Iya, padahal baunya sama kaya gini..saya kan beli cuma Rp 2.000 doank, baunya juga sama2 enak.." Big LOL..and im technically said, "sekalian gaya-gaya an kali pak.."

Hahahaha..i dont even care..And during the ride, as always..there's a traffic jam..like everywhere..he's kinda thought that he made a bad decision or something..i dont really understand..but he just keep apologizing..

However, i got home safely..which mean, i gotta pay..

S : Ini pak.. ( i gave him Rp 70.000,- and the meter only shows Rp 63.000,- something )

T : Loh kembaliannya..?

S : Udah pak, ga apa..ambil aja..

T : ( Counting ) waahh..!! Makasih ya..!! ( salting dan kaya bingung mau ngomong apa dan ngapain gt )

S : Iya pak, sama-sama..

T : (senyum2..)

I took a cab many times before..and i only met that kind of person less than 5..I used to said, that im quite loyal when it comes about tipping..for a cab driver..i think that they deserves it..we all know how bad the traffics in Jakarta can be..you know how selfish people can be when they're driving..and you know how annoying the motorcycle can be..and plus how far the distance that i took..technically, it's not far..but the traffic made it very far and long..and not to forget..they drive manual car..!!!

Some of them can be very greedy and grabby..Once, i gave Rp 10.000 for tip..and the driver only count them, afraid if i gave them less that what i should to pay i guess..and they didn't bother to say thank you..Ah! They didn't bother to even look back..!!Such a money-grabbing indeed..

Of course i feel incensed and irritate..for a while..but whatever..i gave it with sincerity..But this man..today's driver..i just thought that i should give him more..just a little extra..

Really wish i could meet more people like him..

C.

SLEEPOVER.

At last! We're finally arranged some sleepover time..it was very very unexpected..we're technically miscalculated the schedule..we agreed to spend one night at Venny's place to work on Textiles assignment together..

Actually, we did great that day..we really work together, even though it wasn't finished either..we chat, of course..well, talking is something unavoidable..and laugh as well..laughing is a human right, right..?!Besides, you can't prevent yourself for not laughing when something's..doesn't have to be really funny, just..utterly brainless..

We woke up very, very..late, on the following day..and, Yes! We didn't finished our assessment..but not because, all the last night's chinwag..then again, it was caused by our lack of knowledge, and understanding about the whole assignment..LOL..nevertheless, we still had a great time together..!!Even so, we're literally planning to spend a sleepover again..big YAY!

By the way, i also took a couple of silly picture of them..LOL..Feel free to take a look..!!

- End -

C.

A little bit of everything.

So, this week is the fifth week, i've been studying in this college..The first 4 week, everything went..i cant really say smoothly, but better that this week at least..

Everything getting more..complicated this week..so, i hang out with some people, that actually i really feel fun with..we hang out together, working on our assignment actually, but we share, laugh, tittle-tattling, and stuffs..this is the first time, i'm actually trying to be more open with people..of course after i had a chat with my old fellas, and i got a little advise for sure..so, i'm really trying to make things better this time..

I share some 'personal' stuffs with them, something i never really do and talk or share with other people, especially with people that i know for only one month now..more than one months i guess..everything seems fine when we talk..but, now..i feels a little bit scared maybe because i'm thinking about it too much..i mean, this is something i never really do..so, it just scares me a little bit i guess..

Okay, lets move to another problem..Argh! Last monday, when i had my course in CCF..i asked the secretary about the program that i've been joining these past 3 months..and the class will only be continue with 9 person in the class minimum..or otherwise, i'll have to join the intensive program..yeap..so there are three of us, who really fighting for this program..and i still havent figure out the solution..

And, another one, i had..i have a problem with my class mate..which is getting worse, when we trying to solves it and end it, somehow, it just getting worst..well, since no one's gonna read my blog, so im just gonna tell it anyway..

Here's the story..here at La Salle, i hang out with, 4 people..supposed to be 5 people..i'll just gonna mention it..(further edit may required) Me, Sharon, Selvi, Venny, and Oklis..and the fifth person was Hanisha..she's the indian-medan born girl..she's at my age..the other is younger than me..LOL..

So, this Hanisha girl, we're not really feel comfortable, connected, in fact, she really is annoying and sorry to say..pain in the ass..and any other things..and okay, maybe we're trying to keep distance, for me personally, i dont want to get into a trouble, and as always, im trying to stay away from trouble as far as i could, not end up with a mess like this..

Damn..!!i'm really not in the mood anymore..!!i'm furious..

I mean, seriously, do you have to be a bitch..?do you really have to be a fuckin' hypocrite..?Just stop interfere with business that wasn't yours to taken care of..!!

- continue until, i'm cooling down -

Encouraging.

Eventually, i found the song..which i hear it from CSI NY season 6 spoiler..and this song's lyrics, very very encouraging and emotional..

Not only that, i unexpectedly found a great cover of this song, Maria Zouroudis..

Hope you feel more enthusiast after listening to this song, because i do..!!

Enjoy!

C.

Thoughtless.

So, yesterday was raining..finally..and i finished my class at 5 o'clock..As you know, so does everybody else..so you can imagine how bad the traffics are..

Since my college is located behind Sahid hotel, well..between Sahid hotel and city walk, which is quite strategies place if you like to hang out or just going around jakarta..but also a strategic place for jam as well..

The main road, literally not moving and so fuckin crowded since 4 PM, plus the sounds of horn and roaring the motor of dozens, hundreds of vehicles..it's really noisy yesterday..

And so, i couldn't go to CCF, well of course with that kind of traffic..and so does some other..

It always made me thinking, you know, if i didnt go to the course..especially when it's Mme Habibah turn to teach..i know, she's not very good in teaching..in fact, most of us..maybe all of us..didn't understand very well what she's actually trying to teach..not only that, it's very boring when she's teaching..so, we're practically getting more lazy, and started to miss Mme Habibah's class..and it's been going on for almost 3 months already..but a couple weeks ago, somehow, im thinking..

There are 11 people in the class, well..supposed to be 11..but when it's Mme Habibah's turn, it's decreasing like, a lot..maybe there's only 4 or 5 people in the class..and last time i was at Mme Habibah's class, there's only 4 of us..what happend if there's no one coming, like..nobody..It's 7 PM, and it's was the last session of the day..especially on wednesday..well, practically..it's Mme Habibah's last shift of the day..even, sometimes, she really doesnt have to come if there's no class..And what happend if neither of us coming..

It'll be very disappointing and rude..and it's very unfair..and last tuesday, Mme Habibah sprained her legs..and yesterday, i know some who didnt come to class..and i just wondering, if there's somebody, kind enough, motivated enough, to come to the class yesterday..and that thought simply made me feeling guilty and bad enough..and i sill couldnt get rid that thought..

I'm terribly feeling sorry..

C.

Beyond Hope.

So, i've had a little chat with Rani Sitompul last night, she's one of my friend and classmate at CCF..we're discussing about our longer course in CCF..and turns out that most of our classmate wil not continue with their program..so, there's only..maybe 6 or 7 people left..which mean, im not sure if they're still gonna open the program..surely they're not opening a new class without 11 people in minimum..

So, how am i gonna be able to continue the program without the other..?Quite frankly, it stressed me out..it's fuckin stressed me..i'm desperately need this program, i really, really need this..i keep thinking to find the way out..it doesn't have to be the best one..as long as there's a way, i'll take it..for sure, without any hesitation nor doubt..!!

Do i really have to take the intensive program..?Maybe my body and my mind's still allow it, but my schedule doesn't..WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO..??!!!!

I don't really know what i feel right now, angry, sad, disappointed, hopeless..everything into one..it's unbearable..it just, im feeling really sad, and disappointed with my classmate..maybe i dont have the right to be mad, or angry, or saying something like this..but im just mad at them..it just doesnt make any sense..!!if you're so busy or think "i just want to try"..why dont you join the extensive program from the beginning..!!

It's totally not nice, giving people hope then you blown it..!!maybe this is not important for you, but this is irrevocably important for me, and maybe for some other people as well, so pleaseee, im begging you, don't you ruin it nor playing with it..!!it's really rude, selfish and inconsiderate..!!you may play around with your life..but dont playing with life that wasn't yours to waste..!!It aint time for playing around anymore..i'm chasing by time which wasn't my authority to control it..i'm wasting to much time already..

And now, you're playing with my time..and i hate it..i despise it..!!you have know idea, what i have to sacrifice for this, what i have to do to make it works, what it costs me..!!

It took me almost everything..!!I sacrifies a lot for this..!!And you..all of you, just keep looking for excuses..that actually not even exists..i'm tired listening to all the lies you made..

I'm not a person who gave up easily..but i'm getting tired to always trying fixed up things that'll end up with another mess..this is really not the right time..i always have to come up with another back up plan..and another back up plan..and so on..i'm running out of back up plan this time..i'd better come up with something in a month..

So, i've had a little chat with Rani Sitompul last night, she's one of my friend and classmate at CCF..we're discussing about our longer course in CCF..and turns out that most of our classmate wil not continue with their program..so, there's only..maybe 6 or 7 people left..which mean, im not sure if they're still gonna open the program..surely they're not opening a new class without 11 people in minimum..

So, how am i gonna be able to continue the program without the other..?Quite frankly, it stressed me out..it's fuckin stressed me..i'm desperately need this program, i really, really need this..i keep thinking to find the way out..it doesn't have to be the best one..as long as there's a way, i'll take it..for sure, without any hesitation nor doubt..!!

Do i really have to take the intensive program..?Maybe my body and my mind's still allow it, but my schedule doesn't..WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO..??!!!!

I don't really know what i feel right now, angry, sad, disappointed, hopeless..everything into one..it's unbearable..it just, im feeling really sad, and disappointed with my classmate..maybe i dont have the right to be mad, or angry, or saying something like this..but im just mad at them..it just doesnt make any sense..!!if you're so busy or think "i just want to try"..why dont you join the extensive program from the beginning..!!

It's totally not nice, giving people hope then you blown it..!!maybe this is not important for you, but this is irrevocably important for me, and maybe for some other people as well, so pleaseee, im begging you, don't you ruin it nor playing with it..!!it's really rude, selfish and inconsiderate..!!you may play around with your life..but dont playing with life that wasn't yours to waste..!!It aint time for playing around anymore..i'm chasing by time which wasn't my authority to control it..i'm wasting to much time already..

And now, you're playing with my time..and i hate it..i despise it..!!you have know idea, what i have to sacrifice for this, what i have to do to make it works, what it costs me..!!

It took me almost everything..!!I sacrifies a lot for this..!!And you..all of you, just keep looking for excuses..that actually not even exists..i'm tired listening to all the lies you made..

I'm not a person who gave up easily..but i'm getting tired to always trying fixed up things that'll end up with another mess..this is really not the right time..i always have to come up with another back up plan..and another back up plan..and so on..i'm running out of back up plan this time..i'd better come up with something in a month..

So, i've had a little chat with Rani Sitompul last night, she's one of my friend and classmate at CCF..we're discussing about our longer course in CCF..and turns out that most of our classmate wil not continue with their program..so, there's only..maybe 6 or 7 people left..which mean, im not sure if they're still gonna open the program..surely they're not opening a new class without 11 people in minimum..

So, how am i gonna be able to continue the program without the other..?Quite frankly, it stressed me out..it's fuckin stressed me..i'm desperately need this program, i really, really need this..i keep thinking to find the way out..it doesn't have to be the best one..as long as there's a way, i'll take it..for sure, without any hesitation nor doubt..!!

Do i really have to take the intensive program..?Maybe my body and my mind's still allow it, but my schedule doesn't..WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO..??!!!!

I don't really know what i feel right now, angry, sad, disappointed, hopeless..everything into one..it's unbearable..it just, im feeling really sad, and disappointed with my classmate..maybe i dont have the right to be mad, or angry, or saying something like this..but im just mad at them..it just doesnt make any sense..!!if you're so busy or think "i just want to try"..why dont you join the extensive program from the beginning..!!

It's totally not nice, giving people hope then you blown it..!!maybe this is not important for you, but this is irrevocably important for me, and maybe for some other people as well, so pleaseee, im begging you, don't you ruin it nor playing with it..!!it's really rude, selfish and inconsiderate..!!you may play around with your life..but dont playing with life that wasn't yours to waste..!!It aint time for playing around anymore..i'm chasing by time which wasn't my authority to control it..i'm wasting to much time already..

And now, you're playing with my time..and i hate it..i despise it..!!you have know idea, what i have to sacrifice for this, what i have to do to make it works, what it costs me..!!

It took me almost everything..!!I sacrifies a lot for this..!!And you..all of you, just keep looking for excuses..that actually not even exists..i'm tired listening to all the lies you made..

I'm not a person who gave up easily..but i'm getting tired to always trying fixed up things that'll end up with another mess..this is really not the right time..i always have to come up with another back up plan..and another back up plan..and so on..i'm running out of back up plan this time..i'd better come up with something in a month..

I’m still mad and confuse, this time..really, just answer me one question, “why do they doing this?”..Seriously, most of them join this lesson for a reason, which is study abroad..and one of them planning to go abroad this august! This AUGUST!! Which mean..3 months left..?? If I was her, I’m going to stick with this program, or even maybe move into intensive program, instead of moving into extensive program..!! If you don’t understand or having a problem, try to find a way and solve it..! Rather than complaining and hang out and being sluggish..!!

It’s their problem if they’re not taking this seriously, but at least give just a little consideration with someone who really serious on this..!! I’m pissed..!! I’m really tired..and I’m still trying to see it in a more positive way..BUT I JUST COULDN’T FIND ONE SINGLE REASON TOO SEE IT POSITIVELY..!! So, please..if any of you could find one for me..just tell me..! But don’t tell me to give up on this CCF things, and focus with my college..!

If it aint because of CCF, there’s no way im gonna be in La Salle right this very moment..It’s totally gonna wasting time if I have to done things one by one..i still have a pocketfuls of dreams..I know what I’m capable of..hence, I’m gonna do some of it in the same time..i’m still able to take more perplexing burden in any possible way..even the hardest one..

If its mean, 4 hours a day and 5 days a week..then bring it..i’ll bear it.

“Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,

There’s nothing you can do!

This streets will make you feel brand new,

Big lights will inspire you!”

C.

Idleness.

I've been abandoning my blog quite awhile.. been dealing with college and other courses stuff..my college really took much more time than what im expected..well, and it's quite drained my energy..but i still have french lessons every night, which actually im kinda sad about the whole course..CCF, it's the only place i really can forget almost about anything, and they give me time, where i can actually laugh again, after quite a long time..i was technically at ease in there..so, im literally looking forward to come in there, and to feel that feeling again..

But, the most awful part is, one of my classmate, eager to move into another class, another program i mean..i joined this course, it took lots of effort and sacrifice, and i'm waiting so long for this..and i dont think i can still continue this program with, i dont know..5 or 4 people in the class..??i need this class, i really really need it, like desperately..how am i suppose to learn french without this program anyway..

My mom and dad, somehow, told me to put my course at CCF on hold..so i can be more focus with my college, and i dont have to skip my bed time anymore..and off course, im definitely, straightly rejected it, declined it, refused it, without any second thought..im waiting this, like..for a long time already..and i'm not gonna put in on hold, anymore..nope! I'm in it, and i'm gonna go for it..doesn't matter what it took and costs..i'm pursuing my dream. Thats it!

And about my college, i havent told you anything about it yea..?Ah! i hate it actually, at first..but now, everything seems fine..!i hang out, i made friends, and i..quite enjoy it..despite, all the problems in head still arguing and nesting..gosh..i still havent find the best way out..and it keeps bothering me..i've been into lots of idleness lately..i doesn't took me long into this absentmindedness..

oh! i really gotta go to bed, im all zonked..

C.