The Truth.

I feels like totally horrible..

I feels like a terrible person..

I hate to know some bad stuff..

And i loathe to know that there's nothing i can fucking do..

I despise to see people begging at me..

Especially for something i can't do..

Okay..

Maybe i can do something..

And i just don't want to do it..

Dammit..!!!!!!!

I just do nothing and ignore it..!!!!

What kind of person am i..??!!!!!!!!!!

C.

Back up plan.

So, i'm beginning a new chapter of my life..with these whole new things in La Salle, and what's going on..and new goals, with a lots of new random stuff..Not every of 'em is good for sure..I'm not the kind of person who's willing to change for someone..and I'm not started on this new chapter with a high expectation..

I'm not planning to make a new friends at all..not trying to find a new lover or any kind of emendation or upgrading in live..it's all started with a very simple plan..get in, learn, and graduate..

But as we all know..there's always a back up plan..that's why there's something we know as Plan A, Plan B, Plan C, etc..not everything's happend according our plan and our expectation..either bad or good..it's depend on us how to handle it..it can turns bad..or even a good thing..

This is our life, my life, your life..you have the only authority to act upon it..so when it turns bad, it back to yourself how to overcome with it..and when it turns out as a good thing..just enjoy it..and when things got worst..don't put the blame on others, because everything is on you..so, you are the only one to blame..

At my new college..i never really expected to meet a new friends..who actually really, really..'fun'..they were all like..either way too older or younger than me..so, i dont think we're gonna 'click'..but it turns out..i'm end up with 4 new friends..which actually i can really have fun with..still, im the oldest among us..and i feels like strangle them for their immature act..and..i feels like a pedophile..LOL..

As i never look up for friends..and likewise with all the teenager drama queen stuff..i'm sort of end up with..well..lets say..quite a lot of troubles..it's like totally out of plan..nonetheless, there's nothing i can do about it except enjoy it..so, i'm wet already..so lets swim on it..

In there, it's completely a whole different environment..frankly, i hang out with mostly underage..LOL..and of course with a different perceptions and attitude and many other stuff..back at home..i feels like stuck with the same choices all the time and difficult time as well..

This is the chapter where i don't know how am i supposed to act..i feels stuck in and out..i'm marching nowhere..and the shitty part is that time is still ticking away..looks so cocky with its pride..

However, as i said before..i'm not type of a person who's willing to change myself for someone..and i'm not kind of a girl who do nothing when life failed me..shit do happens, and there's nothing wrong with enjoying it..

And, this is me..enjoying my shitty life..and i'm having a great time with it..

C.

Explanation.

Please..

Don't ask me what's wrong or what happened with me..

Because i don't know either..

Maybe i'm just not in the mood..

Or..

Maybe i'm just too overwhelm and not able to think..

Or maybe i'm just too depressed..

There's a lot of excuses..

But i don't know which one..

So,

Please..

Don't make it worst by asking it..

I just need time alone..

C.

Quote.

" Lose to know how to win. "

Errr...

What to do..

What to do....

- Dilemma -

C.

Quote.

"True love is when sex become the last thing on the list."

Quotes of the day.

" A brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers the fear."

Weirdo.

Finally, i'm heading to the right direction..err..i'm talking about CCF, after almost a month i leave without any news..and today..i took a cab..yea..a totally weirdo cab and heading to CCF..i'm posting this article from CCF, by the way..ehheheh...

This article's about the weirdo cab driver..Sunaim or Sunami or Suniam..whatever..sounds like Tsunami for me..hehehe..

He's pretty much almost the same with others driver..made me totally sick..and suddenly, out of nowhere..he asked me "neng, (-_- typical..) neng muslim ya..?" and i was like..'what the fuuckkk...!!!!'

Well, i gotta answered him somehow..so i said "Nggak.." then he said, "yaa, nggak pa-pa ya, sama aja kan.." i was still shocking by that question..but he keeps asking me.."Iya, soalnya kalo muslim kan biasanya ke sunda kelapa sana, apalagi kalo lebaran rame bgt." i was like.."Ooo.." HAHAHHA..i dont know how to answer anymore..

And thank God for a quite long pause..then he continued..-_- "Neng protestan ya..?" ......

Just for a formality so i say yes..and i thought it was gonna stop him from asking such an unimportant question..WTH..!!!it wasnt polite whatsoever..!!and the shocking part was..he keeps asking me.."Kalo kegereja dimana neng?" .... Huuaaa....!!! and i'm politely answer.."daerah kelapa gading.."..thankfully he remains silent for the next 10 minutes..-_-

And when we passing through around Cikini street..he suddenly asked me.."neng sebelom S1, sekolahnya di .... (mentioning utterly unknown high school name around cikini..)"

okay..why bugging me with those question..seriously..is that really important..-_- I directly said NO...but he keeps insist..by suggesting another high school.."atau yang di daerah situ (pointing some uncertain direction..) ya..SMUN 11 ya..??" i'm totally bugged with those question..like..TOTALLY...so i simply said no..

and he's still keep bugging me.."trus, sebelom S1 sekolah dimana..??"

and keep questioning me..i said, saya belom s1, and he said..oh, d3..? and i said..err..belom juga..and he said..trus d1..? and i said..belom juga..and he said..oh, apa udah kerja..? AARRGGHHH...and i said..belom, ini baru mulai kok.. and he said..o, baru masuk..semester berapa..and bla bla bla bla bla...

Totally not important...GOSH..!!Thanks the traffic was kind today..and i straightly running out from the taxi...totally annoying..why dont he asked me something more..polite and..general..-_-

C.

Quote of the day!

"Dream is not the things what you see in sleep, dream is the thing that does not let you sleep."

Happiness.

Last night, when i feels like totally nothing to do..God, i never feels like that for the last 4 years..apart from month-and-month-after-my-graduation-day..and so, i browse through any website i could find..blogspot, for example..

It supposed to be just a regular check..until there's a title that caught my attention..it's not actually a tittle, more like a fragment of the article, and there's a particular words caught me immediately.. *happiness*means...

I'm theoretically having a quick lecture about "happiness"..which makes me thinking about the real meaning of it for the last two weeks..and consider it as a quick lecture for me..

Two weeks is a short time for such a big things..and trying to find out the actual meaning of it in such a short time..is, technically impossible..

However, thanks for trustable 'sources' and 'references'..which made me able to at least explain it even only in a brief summary..besides, that's what i get from all those existing sources..Of course it'll takes years and years and years to find out the truth about happiness, otherwise, i won't be here and still able to telling you..

These are a few point of what i could extracted..

If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.

A happy life is just a string of happy moments.

But most people don't allow the happy moment,

because they're so busy trying to get a happy life.

Happiness is the absence of striving for happiness.

We can do no great things, only small things with great love.

You have to know how to accept rejection and reject acceptance.

One of the key to happiness is a bad memories.

Understanding is simple. Knowing is complicated.

There are more tears shed over answered prayers than over unanswered prayers.

The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.

The best way to get a better answer is to start asking a better question.

Be kind to unkind people - they need it the most.

You can never get enough of what you don't really need.

Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted.

Be grateful.

So, basically..that's all what i've get from my sole self introspection..i hope you can understand the whole meaning from what i'm trying to say..because if you do..that's gonna be so much helpful..at least, i do feel that way..

Good luck then..

C.

Pondering.

So i got a new acquaintance back in La Salle..didn't really know her very well..but i know her well enough to at least understand her..i'm practically just met her for..maybe 3 months..

Last 2-3 days ago i had a several different conversations..with a several different people as well..In this situation, i feels like i played a role as an intermediaries..i saw the world, where i lived in..in a very different way..in a very opposing point of view..i involved in a two very contradiction case..

Meanwhile, i feels very impatient watching over 'new generation' acted very sloppy, ungrateful, and lack of motivation..

Tell me how to stand still, while i'm watching someone who spends million, and million and still guiltless, while one of my friend, working extra hard just to get one piece of paper that able to give him a graduation paper..

Tell me what to do..when one of my friends, share his story about how hard it was for him just to get into a better university than the one he went to, not the best one..just a better one..while the other friends of mine, spend at least 50 millions/year at a university, and didn't even finished it..and went into another college which costs around $2200/term..and still..didn't want to finished it..

Now, tell me..i'm very anxious right now..

I gotta apologize first..I'm not planning to say the name..but YOU know who i'm talking about, right..?I'm not trying to offend you or else..but this is what i feel, and i feel that..i really need to say it out loud..by hoping you'll change..

Okay, you confess yourself as a nineteen years old girl, but you didnt act like one..you really act like a ten years old girl..you already admit that you always get what you want and need, which is a bad habit..but still no intention to change it..

Bad habit is not something to be declare and acknowledge..it something to change..I'm not saying you've never tried or else..but it's not working just by 'trying'..you gotta work it out..!

You acted like you know and possessed any knowledge you'll need..just to let you know girl..when you feels like you know everything, the truth is..you know nothing..!!you're just too pride by saying that you already know everything you should know..

Everything is boundless..you'll never have enough 'everything'..even with the whole life you have..

You gotta change yourself..immediately..not everyone's like your lovely Mom..not everyone's willing to provide you with whatever you want and need..and the most important part is..your Mom is not gonna live forever to provide your needs..i'm sorry to say that..but that's the truth..truth does hurt..

World is a magical place..there's nothing impossible..there's nothing couldn't been done..so when you say.."i can't"..that's bullshit..you just dont try hard enough..you just dont work hard enough..or maybe you dont even try..you just feel like you're trying..but you dont..or maybe..you dont want to try..but you say that you try..and that makes you feel like you're trying..

Whatever it is..it doesnt work..!!you gotta find out another way..just like the fame quotes "there's a thousand ways to Rome"..so which means, when you stop..or when you didn't succeed..you just proved to yourself that you're not good enough..that you're not know enough of 'everything'..

This is not just a random talk or some nonsense rubbish..i'm saying this because i know exactly how it feels..i've been there..i've been in that situation once..and i've done there..i've been through there..so dont say to me that you have tried hard enough..because you dont..

Not everyone having those 'easy childhood' like you do..and not everyone can have what they want like you do..while you just 'ask', they gotta 'work that out'..

And this is not something i usually do..this is not something i normally do..go and ask everyone i used to know if you want..ask to someone who 'know' me..i never done something like this before..i never really, really criticized people..i'd rather to leave them in their own hole..

This is me, trying to change..this whole blog thing is me who trying to change..and i'm doing this just because i dont want another people doing the same mistakes as i do..people i know, at least..and when i'm saying "i've been there", i really mean it..

One last thing..

This is what makes me change..this is what makes me able to work through all the hard time..

"fight yourself!"

Try to fight your own ego..and trust me..when you able to 'fight yourself'..there's nothing could stop you..

Just started from the simplest thing..pretend like you're playing truth or dare..it just in this case..it's all dare..and when you feel lazy or not in the mood to do something..just dare yourself to do the opposite things over and over and over again..do it like you mean it..and you gotta push yourself real hard as well..lets see if it works..

"It is not so important who starts the game but who finishes it."

C.

Stalked.

I've been thinking about the 'second death'..i've talked about it on my earlier post..and it's quite haunted me..its not that i'm scared about death..and dying..or whatsoever..

Practically i was dead since the day i was born..instead of waiting for 'my death', i'm more like waiting till the day i'm reborn..and there's nothing scary about dead..seems like i scare to life rather than being dead..

However, this 'second death' is quite scares the hell out of me..and you have no idea how much im in love with this solitude..i've been living in it for years, and years..i can't just get rid of it..it's not something you can just throw away if you don't like it..

Even though i'm trying to become a 'better' person..it's still not easy..I can't split for just one fuckin' second..

God! I'm drowning..

C.

Simple Contemplation.

There's too many 'power' in this world..and so is there's nothing impossible in this world..Everybody can become anything, and anything can become something..

Recently, i've realized something..

People tend to try to be perfect, while they're doing anything they can do to be perfect..the truth is, 'perfect' is getting away from them..and become further and further..

They were blinded their eyes with science and technology, when the truth is..there's an unexplainable and bigger power beyond all those theory, research, invention, and any other else..

People also tend to conquer the world, the bigger power, then the biggest power..they fight each other..physically and mentally..while i'm sitting in my private class, and my teacher taught me to "dare yourself"..which actually, i think..the biggest power..it's very easy to fight people, it follows your ego..then try sometimes to fight yourself, to fights your ego..because when you're capable to 'dare yourself'..you already "conquer the world"..

And so here i am, busy to learn new stuff..thirst for knowledge..while the truth is, that i didn't know anything..

Just like what Albert Lewis said, "When you were born, you're hand was clenched..because you're busy to grab anything, to take everything..And while you're die in old age, you're hand was opened..because now you realize that there's nothing you can take along with you.."

C.

Delayed.

So, i've wrote 'supposed-to-be-posted-yesterday' article..which is something i'm truly write from what's inside me..but, yesterday is quite an-asshole-internet-connection day..and the auto-save is completely a fiasco..and i've lost all the script..so, i gotta start all over again..

Meanwhile..i've been in a lowest point of my life..okay..maybe not the lowest, i exaggerate it a little bit..hehehhe...however, i've been better before..

Aargghh...i'm just gonna re-write it than talk non sense here..LOL..so, wait up..!

C.

Deliberation.

It's raining.

Perhaps the world is crying,

Watching over Israel battle against Iran,

Fighting for something which wasn't theirs.

Or maybe,

It's not the world's,

It's the tears that has been shed,

By mothers,

fathers,

brothers,

sisters,

friends..

Hoping for their families to just come home.

I like to read, can't really say a lot..but i do read..especially when it comes about true story, fiction, and another pieces about what i loves, fashion..And couple days ago, i've finished reading Mitch Albom's book..Have A Little Faith..and the book is remarkably and extraordinarily tremendous..for real..and you guys should read it..you have to!!

He write it based on true story..and from his book..it gives me too many thing..more than i could embrace..through the book, it allows me to gain something i used to have back..through the book, it teaches me what love is..and i'm talking about the real one..not just random love..through the book, it shows me, what is faith..even when you said 'i have faith', but none of us really know and understand the real meaning by faith, i think..through the book, it introduces me to some people that i don't really believe exists, until i read it..

In his book, he talks about Albert Lewis, a Jewish Rabbi, who born during World War I and World War II and also many other war..

There's plenty of little affectionate story inside it..and every time i read a new line..a new paragraph..a new chapter..i feels like something has awaken me..has called me back..i feels like..being 'slapped' over and over again..It started from something simple..

"Faith is about doing.

You are how you act,

not just how you believe."

For some of my 'close-relation', they know how i feel, i think, about church..my religion..and whats the consequences of that thought..Albert Lewis is a Rabbi not because of something or anything close to "calling"..He become a Rabbi because his love and passion of teaching..

"Adam hid in the Garden of Eden.

Moses tried to substitute his brother.

Jonah jumped a boat and was swallowed by a whale,

Man likes to run from God.

It's a tradition."

And so do i..we straying away, and we go back when we had a problem..when we need His help..not only once or twice..but for many a time..is it really a tradition..?Or do we make it into a tradition..?

"They count as they quite forget,

They are as men who have existed not,

Theirs is a loss past loss of fitful breath,

It is the second death."

So i was stupefy..and so i was hope, through this article, that Albert Lewis will not experience the second death..because as i was stunned by every word he said, and so i was being reminded in how much im in love with solitude..

I feels like someone has examine my life and scrutinized it..it prompted me to emend all the missing part in my life..this is my second change, right?I feels like i've discovered the true meaning of grace, generosity, sympathy and humanity..

And i know now, there was a man, out there, who never evaluate life based on what his got, who always being passionate in helping people, no matter how sick he was, no matter what religion they embraced, there's no boundaries between him and doing a kindness, even to someone who treated him badly..

Even when his last breath, he still helping people..and when his funeral..he made a tape for his last lecture..his life, never really about him..

C'mon, during that time..people are busy slaying jewish people..meanwhile..he's helping a non-jewish people..i'm literally saying, "what kind of people is that?"

While we're busy demanding our rights, he's busy with his obligation..

I've met a lot of people..some may nice..and some may as bitches as they can be..but one thing in common..no matter how nice they were..no matter how bitch they were..they still stacks of fat with jealousy and hundred of tricks..they're doing nice things just to have something in return..

As the world filled with many wars, they started to make a sheer wall between each others..they started to use 'yours' and 'mine' till there's no longer 'ours'..

They used to do nice thing for something, till they forget how to be nice and honest with no tricks at all..and for nothing whatsoever..

Then it started to become envy, and for those envy, they fights each other, fight with the only thing they have in common..lack of faith..

They believes in each other..but there's no faith for something what they really believes in..they dont have faith for something 'bigger'..and keep questioning something that not supposed to be asked instead..

For lack of believes in each other, they started to being independent, and forget with the needs of each other..

They're too busy to conquer the world, then it becomes each other..they destroys each other..

They're walk with their head up high, as high as the way they looking up..and never look down..they're trying to reach the sky while they're made from dust and soil..

When the only thing they're dying to conquer, the world..fighting back by flood, and earthquake..they straightly remember to God, not only for merci, but along with cursing, blaming and hateful statement..

That's what the world has become..that's what creates you..dont you think it's time to fight back..?

C.

An Official Prologue.

I've never officially introduce myself..Just a brief story about who am i and what i'm doing with my life..

I'm screwing up my life..!!Yea..seriously..!!LOL..

I'm not a jakarta-born-girl..but i do grew up in jakarta..and still..i spent most of my childhood in jakarta, unlike my two big sisters..

I'm not born with a 'what-a-girl-should-be' talent..in other way..im far from feminine, girly, cute and stuff..in fact..i'm a little hyperactive..i like to keep active..keep moving..annoying..?!Totally..!!!

I'm just way too hyper, and out of control..i run a lot..like, A LOT!and i fight boys as well..it's seems simple and easier back then..i just ran, i fell, i stood back up, and back to ran again..doesn't matter how many times i fell, i always go back running again..

Went to Junior High didn't changed me a lot..i can't get too far with problem..maybe there was something..there are something..it's like..i'm bound..if only i could describe it, how tight i'm bound..

However, i started to draw..if you ever watched Lassie, i was like..totally..totally love the movie..and my first sketch was Lassie..wasn't so good of course..but i drew him like all the time..

Maybe you already see me as a girl who doesn't have any feminine side whatsoever..despite that, i do play barbie and paper dolls with my sisters..i really do..so, try to believe it..LOL..

I'm not very close with my big sister, err..the second one..its because she's only 18 months older, i think..and if you believe in feng shui, or any chinese myths and folks..i was born in dragon year while she was born in lion year..so, we can't really really get along very well..

Unlike my biggest sister, she's 3 years older than me..and maybe the distance that makes me more close with her than the other one..besides, she was born in mouse/rat year..LOL..she's started to play imagination with me..since we're playing with paper dolls a lot..she started this imagination game..she drew a cloths in her imagination..and i started to do the same thing..

Started on a paper, and later on..my dad gave me a book..it's a note book actually..but i used it to draw instead..i made lots of cloths sketches, it took me three books..and i love to draw clothes ever since..

I was born in science family, i can tell..my dad's a doctor, a pharmacist actually..and my mom took engineering..my big sister is very good in science, and the eldest one's really good in chemical..and me..i'm good in science and damn good in math..sounds like i'm exaggerated it..LOL..but that's the truth..

Not only me, both my math teachers in Junior High, also admit it..one of them told me to become an accounting..and my math teachers in Senior High do the same thing as well..

But i'm in love with art..i love to draw..to imagine something..through imagination, i'm out of the box..and i decided to go to fashion school..

When i was in Senior High, my mom sent me to a fashion course..i learn to draw a figure in a proportional measurement..i learn the most basic pattern in clothing..

Well, it's already my nature i guess..i didn't finished both of them..either Senior High School and Fashion Course..i never really really finished what i've started..no matter how much i love it..God! I'm fighting with this habit..

While i'm in Fashion Course, i had this..what should i call her..she's not a lecture..neither my teacher..well..teacher is the closest one..Her name is Patricia, Ms.Patricia, back then..

She's really friendly, kind, and funny person..once she told me a wisdom..

"Before you fight the world, you should fight yourself."

I never really know what it means, and i'm too shy..LOL..yea..too shy to ask that time..LOL..i can't believe what i'm saying..LOL..

Until one day..can't tell you exactly when..but i just found out what it means..and it changes me..A LOT..and now, it runs through my veins already..it's strengthen me..it gives me more power and makes me wiser..

So, i didn't finished my Senior-Hi..i went straight up to ESMOD..i never said that i wanted to become a designer nor a boutique owner, or else..i never practically saying what i wanted to become..i did say, i wanted to go to fashion school..fashion's not always about designing or being a designer..but my mom did think so..so i ended up went to ESMOD..

I'm not telling that i regret it..ESMOD does gives me lots..lots of new lesson, experiences, and knowledges..ESMOD does changes me A LOT..i took a 3 years program in fashion design and pattern making..and of course, i graduated..

I became workaholic because of ESMOD, i learnt to understand 'give your best in everything', i realized that 24hours/day wasn't enough and is never enough, i started to aware and feel that time is very important, i felt that hesitation is only brought you nothing but disappointing, i started to try to 'do anything i can do without delaying', i started to know and to feel 'what's work-life gonna looks like and feels like', and many other things..all because of ESMOD..

I met different type of people as well, not so many of them is nice and fun to be with..but i do find and make friends in there..and i also know the meaning of 'togetherness'..we through all the laugh, smile, cry, pain, pressure, mad, dateline together..

Graduated from ESMOD, i still couldn't forget this 'push' and i couldn't just get rid of it as well..so i went to La Salle College last April and took Fashion Business major..i'm planning to obtain a Master Degree in this field..

In La Salle, there's a different level of difficulty..in ESMOD, it's always about practice, while in La Salle it's about theory..after spent three years in ESMOD without any practice of memorizing..and now, i have to memorized like 10 chapters with more than 150 terminology..err..for one subject..how can i'm not freaked out..

Not only memorizing..La Salle also applying a very different program and system with everything i've ever had..so, in another word..i'm fitting in..i'm trying to adapt with a new environment..

So, basically..that's just a brief story about what i'm doing with my life..It's gonna get more complicated and longer if i have to mention about my personality and interests..another time, maybe..LOL..

C.